


Heart Flip

by wynw00d



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Awkward Conversations, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Smut, Sibling Love, Smut, Therapy, Weddings, blowjob
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-07 13:31:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5458190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynw00d/pseuds/wynw00d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So, can we be expecting a wedding soon?” And yeah, being her son he should have recognized the determined glint in her eye before she even said anything, so, no, he wasn't all that surprised by the abruptness of the question.</p><p>Which made his answer easy, a “Soon, maybe.” slipping out happily before he even registered the tense of Calum’s entire body, the hand slipping from his quickly, the sharp exhale followed quickly by a “Probably not.”</p><p>And then there was silence, one that wasn't light or comfortable at all.</p><p> </p><p>Or Michael and Calum have been together 10 years now and, apparently, marriage was never on the agenda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Better I Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely inspired by This Wild Life's ep Heart Flip (hence the name) and it will be going in a weird order (because I have a wonky CD that I bought at Warped that doesn't match up to the iTunes version). The chapters won't match up to the songs entirely. So its based more on the idea of the ep but only loosely based on the songs. 
> 
> As the chapters come along you'll find out the order of the songs and the story line will all come together. All I ask is that you please be patient with me when it comes to updating because all chapters after this will be _much_ longer than this one. 
> 
> Many thanks to [Angie](http://dafeedil.tumblr.com) for helping me bring this idea to life (and listening to me talk about it).

Dinner at Michael’s childhood home every Thursday night had become something of a thing lately and he showed up, with Calum in tow, religiously. His mom always greeted them at the door with kisses and many warnings against getting dirt on her recently cleaned floors and Calum was always grinning ear to ear. His dad would toss a greeting from the couch where he was folded into his favorite chair, reading whatever it was that had caught his interest this time.

The house was warm and smelled good and there was just a generally homey sense in the air, one that they still hadn't quite managed to get in their own apartment. All in all, coming to the Clifford family home for dinner had become something of a staple to the week, and the couple looked forward to it.

Sitting down to dinner with his parents always felt calming, like the rush of his week was able to slow down for just one night. This week had been entirely too hectic, to the point where he felt like he hadn't seen his boyfriend in days.

“Calum, honey, can you pass the pepper?” Calum grinned at Karen as he slid the pepper over to her, turning back to listen intently to the story Mike’s dad was telling about a difficult customer at the dealership that day.

Michael was hardly listening to the story, lost in his own happy little world. No one else seemed to care though, his mom and Cal listening to the story his dad was spinning, probably a bit more extravagantly than what happened in actuality. He was listening enough to get the gist of it (and to laugh at the appropriate times because if there was one thing he learned from his childhood it was always to laugh at his dad’s jokes).

There was a short silence after the laughter of his dad’s story died down, the clinking of silverware on plates the only thing breaking the light silence. Calum had slid his hand into Michael’s, resting them on top of the table while they ate.

His mom, never the one to let even a comfortable silence go on too long, was the first to speak up again, smiling down at their clasped hands before meeting their eyes individually. “So, can we be expecting a wedding soon?” And yeah, being her son he should have recognized the determined glint in her eye before she even said anything, so, no, he wasn't all that surprised by the abruptness of the question.

Which made his answer easy, a “Soon, maybe.” slipping out happily before he even registered the tense of Calum’s entire body, the hand slipping from his quickly, the sharp exhale followed quickly by a “Probably not.”

And then there was silence, one that wasn't light or comfortable at all.

Michael looked over at his boyfriend quickly, meeting the icy stare that was leveled at him with a disbelieving one of his own. Calum looked frozen, hands clenched into fists in his lap and jaw sharp with anger, unmoving. A glance over to his parents offered absolutely no solace at all. Where once he would have found encouragement and love, he only saw confusion and regret. Looking back at the once calm body next to him only served to turn any confusion he might have had, to dread. He immediately understood just how badly his night had begun to decline.

There was no air in this room anymore and he was left gasping for a breath of fresh air that he was deliberately being denied. He knew what was going on, and yet, “What?” He would have liked his voice to be strong, to match the anger that Calum was already throwing at him, but all he got was a shaky exhale that barely contained the word he intended to say.

A fire was burning bright in Calum’s eyes, consuming every small hope inside Michael that he had maybe heard wrong. He couldn't really help the tears that sprung to his eyes. The other shook his head, looking down to his plate, like he hadn't just shifted the entire ground beneath Michael’s feet, like the answer he had given to Michael’s own mother wasn't such a big deal, like there was something intimately beautiful about the way his potatoes meshed with his peas.

“Um, may I be excused?” Michael needed to go. He needed to get out of this room and just breathe. He didn’t look up at anyone else around the table but he knew there was probably a look passing between his parents, an aborted gesture in his direction in order to placate him. They probably knew that a rub to the back wouldn't do anything for him right now, couldn't possibly take away the fact that the love of his life just told him that they were never getting married, _in front of his damn parents._

“Of course, Little Bear.”

Michael didn’t even have enough in him to berate her for the childhood nickname, just pushed his chair back and booked it out of there as quickly as possible. Without paying much attention he makes it up the stairs and to his old bathroom, locking the door quietly behind him.

He’s entirely grateful the counter was there to hold him up, his legs not doing a stand up job of it themselves. Bracing himself against the counter, he took deep breaths and willed a little natural color to return to his face. He tried not to imagine what was going on downstairs, tried not to think about the disappointed looks his parents would be sending across the table and up the stairs.

Tried to think absolutely nothing at all.

Michael wasn’t entirely sure how long he spent trying to calm down, it felt like just short of an eternity (too long but not quite long enough), but by the time he made it back downstairs the table was cleared and he could hear his mom in the kitchen doing the dishes. He turned the corner into the kitchen, ignoring the ache in his chest seeing his mom doing the dishes alone. It wasn't unusual for Calum and Michael to pick up the chore when his mom cooked for them. Now he didn’t even know where his lover was.

“Where is he, mum.” Karen turned around quickly, looking startled.

“In the foyer, ready to leave.” When he didn’t move to leave she came over and wrapped her arms around him, wet hands and all, pressing a kiss to his temple and whispering, “I’m so sorry, love. I thought he was past this.”

He bit his lip, turning away from his mom to avoid the weight of her look, (he could still feel it pulsing through his body, shaking him down to his core). “So did I.”

And he was damn sure his mom knew just how shaken he really was.

——————————————

The ride home was silent, not even the radio turned on to break it. Calum looked lost in thought and Michael was lost in not thinking. Sometimes Calum’s mouth would fall open like he was about to say something, but then it would snap shut and he would look distant again. Michael found himself wishing this car ride from hell would last somewhere near forever, with no yelling, no thinking, just heavy silences and blurring city lights. A type of anticipation and nostalgia sitting like a badly mixed cocktail in the pit of his stomach. And he was again struck with the concept of time standing still, just not for long enough.

It didn’t really take them all that long to make the drive to their apartment. They had bought the place because it was conveniently placed between their jobs and Michael’s parents house. At the time it was lovely, just enough room for two people to share comfortably, with two bedrooms and a full bath and a nice open floor plan.

Today, the apartment felt small and cramped, no longer the safe haven it usually was. That heavy silence from the car stalking them up to the front door, the entry way, the kitchen, shadowing them.

“You need to say something.” Michael may have whispered but his voice might has well have come through a megaphone with the way his boyfriend jumped and then froze. Calum slowly turned to face him, his face rigid and eyes glowing with rage.

“ _I_ need to say something.” Michael flinched away from the absolute anger in Calum’s voice. “ _Me_ , Michael? Do _I_ need to say it.” He took a few steps forward, emphasizing each pronoun with a stab of his finger.

This was going horribly south. “You- I just-…” The worst part was, Michael had absolutely no words for what had happened at his parents house. The drive here, when he should have been thinking about how all this was going to go down, was spent trying his damnedest to think nothing at all. And so Michael was sorely unprepared.

“You just _what_?” The fire in Calum’s words was scalding.

There were no words, Michael wasn't even sure where he had been going before he trailed off.

“I can’t believe you! You _know_ , you know exactly why that particular subject is a problem. And you just went with it! Were you planning on proposing?”

“Someday.”

“ _Why_?”

“I thought, maybe, you’d be ready soon.”

“ _Ready_? I’ll never be ready for that Michael.”

Never. Calum was never going to marry him. _Never_. Never was a really, really long time. Never was what you told someone who offered you drugs, or told you to jump off this cliff without gear. Never was not something that built relationships. It was not a word that was generally associated with marriage, or proposals, or talk about those things. That’s what Calum was giving him though, a big old ‘Never.’ packaged neatly with his feelings behind a wall and rage inside his eyes.

 _Never_.

Michael’s fists clenched as the anger built up inside him, his previously timid tone falling off that cliff without its gear and slamming into something sharper, angrier. “Then what am I even doing here.”

“What?” Calum had the gall to look surprised. Somehow, it had never crossed his mind that Michael might not be on the same page as him, might not even be in the same book anymore. They had always operated from the same book, same page, before this. As long as he had known Michael the other had known what exactly was going on in Calum’s head.

“If you are never going to marry me, then why am I still _here_ Calum?” Michael was struggling to control his voice. They really couldn't afford another noise complaint (although this time it wouldn't be pleasurable screams disturbing their neighbors).

Calum blinked over at Michael, managing a puppy-dog hurt look and being pissed off at the same time. “I don’t know! Why are you here?”

And that was when Michael snapped, the worry over his neighbors noise complaints fading into a distant thought. “Because I love you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you!”

“I thought that was the plan! I thought that was what we were doing already.”

“You want me to be calling you my boyfriend when we’re 80? For the rest of our lives? I don't want that Calum! I want to be able to introduce you as my husband, I want to be ridiculously cheesy in our wedding vows, I want to take you on a honeymoon that will blow your mind!”

“Cut the crap! We don't have to be married to say mushy things to each other or go on an overly expensive vacation!”

“But I can’t call you my husband!”

“Why are you so obsessed with that? It’s just a word on a stupid piece of paper!”

“Why are you still so against it?” Michael was desperately searching for some sort of answer, but Calum had looked away, their kitchen counter seemingly more interesting to him than the conversation they were having. The others stance was still defensive, tense to the point he looked like he was going to start breaking. “Haven’t I loved you enough?”

That was a low blow, Michael could admit that, and hearing the wounded sound that left his boyfriends mouth, almost as if he had been shot, was just as painful to hear. But Calum still didn’t say anything, didn’t even look up. And that was really all the answer Michael needed.

“I think... I think, it’s better I go.”

Calum finally looked over at him, disbelief written clear across his face. Michael thought he had no right to look so upset right now. He wasn't the one who just found out he wasn't enough. “Michael-“

“Don’t.” Michael snapped. He tried exiting the kitchen, determined not to look back at his heart leaning, broken, against the counter. Calum moved to catch his wrist but Michael jerked away. “ _Don’t_ touch me.”

——————————————

Michael threw the duffle bag on the bed, shoving whatever clothes, and necessities, he could find that seemed like his into it. He knew he had to get out of here before the anger wore away. Calum didn't get to see him cry this time, didn't get to try to comfort him.

"Don't leave."

"One of us has to go." Michael sighed, weary of this whole ordeal.

"I'll go."

Michael tried to ignore the desperation in Calum's voice, but still, he paused to breathe.

"Stop, Calum. I'm begging you. Just let me go."

Michael could see clearly now. The love was there, had been since they first met, but the intentions were all wrong. They just didn't mesh anymore. The pages of this chapter attempting to turn in completely different directions and it hurt, this whole thing physically hurt, and he absolutely had to get away from it. 

——————————————

**Since when had love not been enough?**


	2. Ripped Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael leaving had torn Calum's heart to bits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey okay so here it is! (finally) Chapter 2 is here! Thank you if you commented on the last chapter to get my butt moving. I'm not much of a writer if I'm being completely honest. I can only write when inspiration really runs me over with a truck, otherwise I'm just sitting there saying I'm going to and then not doing it. (i'm more artistically inclined to be completely honest) BUT! i am determined to finish this fic. It's just going to take me a very, VERY long time. 
> 
> That being said, as promised this chapter is MUCH longer, and much more involved. I hope it hurts you (because that is what it is meant to do). 
> 
> The time line might be a bit wonky (i tried my hardest) so if theres an asterisk by something check the beginning of the section and it'll tell you whereabouts you are. 
> 
> A million thanks (and kisses) to [Angie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dafeedil/pseuds/dafeedil)for getting me off my ass and beta reading this.

*Michael left in late March — It is now early June  
*Michael stopped picking things up in the first two weeks of April (9)  
*Becca’s wedding is in November — the invite showed up in June

 

* * *

 

 

 **I** **can’t** **be** **anything** **you** **want** **me** **to** **be.**

——————————————

— **June** —

 

Michael left three months ago*. Packed up his bags and moved back into his parents house, as far as Calum knew. And the only reason he knew where the other was, was due to the fact that Ashton was nice enough to call and _tell_ _him_.

The few times Michael had come through here to pick up his stuff up he’d given Calum the cold shoulder, saying hi and bye and nothing else in between. It left Calum with an empty apartment, empty vodka bottles, and a heart so heavy he couldn't get up.

Michael leaving had torn his heart to bits. Every time he exited that door another part of Calum left with him. All because Calum could never marry him, which was a bullshit reason to leave because the relationship started with him knowing that. Calum thought that Michael was okay with it. It had always seemed okay, and so he never worked to get over it. Michael had never said anything hinting that he was thinking about marriage. Calum had no reason to try to prepare himself.

Looking back, it all seemed to have a bit of a fairy tale quality to it. Meeting Michael, his knight in shining armor, when he was 16 and then relying on that broken 19 year old to piece them both back together. What resulted was a collage of the best and worst pieces of each boy, intertwined tightly. From then on, Michael was Calum’s everything, his first thought in the morning, his happiness and love, his present and future. Everything had been shiny and new for the better part of 10 years.

Until it just wasn't anymore.

Fairy tales never tell you what happens after ever after. Not about the fighting, or the hurt, or the anger, all to preserve the vision of a perfect relationship. He knew though, he knew deep down that there was never a happily ever after in store for them, and yet he still had to hope.

Losing Michael meant losing himself and that, that was definitely the scariest thought of all, because he _had_ lost Michael. All because of a broken mentality that he had held so close to his heart that it had enveloped it. Secretly, Calum regrets not trying harder to get over his demons all these years. He fell into a false sense of security, depending wholly on Michael understanding. He never really let himself consider the flip side, the what if’s that plagued his mind always pushed to the side in favor of just _not_ _thinking_ _about_ _it_.

Calum spent a lot of his time over at Ashton’s house now, lounging in the others company in an effort to forget what he had lost.

Ashton, however, was making that increasingly difficult these days. Subtle nudges turning into outright demands for Calum to get off his ass and fix this.

“Why don’t you just go over there and talk to him about this?” Ashton was giving Calum an exasperated look that, sadly, Calum was getting _very_ used to seeing on the others face. He was sitting on their couch, feet propped up on the coffee table with a beer in hand, picking at the label as he waited for this conversation to die.

Calum could hear Ashton’s wife, Bryana, moving around in the kitchen, pots and pans banging and the water running. Ashton cleared his throat, dragging the others eyes back towards him. Calum rubbed a hand over his eyes, sighing and sinking further into the chair he was lounging in.  He should have known better than to think not answering would work. ”We’ve already talked.”

The weight of the world was resting on his shoulders and every time his friend started this conversation again it felt like he added another dead weight.

Ash finally looked up, setting his beer down where his feet had been and leaning forward, "You've yelled at each other, that’s not talking it out.”

"Can't talk to someone who won't return any of my calls." Calum knew the burning weight of the phone in his pocket was all in his head, he was only so conscious of the electronic because he was anxiously waiting for Michael to text or call. It made him want to throw the damn thing across the room. He wanted to smash it to pieces along with the anxiety and shame it brought him. Michael wasn't going to call, Calum was sure of that now, and he just wanted the weight of it gone, wanted to forget about the burning desire to contact the other boy.

“You look like you aren't sleeping.”

The abrupt change of topic made Calum pause. “I can’t.” He was exhausted and he wasn't really putting much effort into hiding it. He hadn't slept in a bed without Michael in over 10 years. The last three months had been hell on wheels. The bed was too cold, his head too full, room too empty. He was running on about three hours of sleep these days.

Bryana entered the room and plopped herself on the arm of his chair, leaning into his side with a hand on the back of his neck so he couldn't turn away. “He’s just as much a mess as you are, Cal.”

And, no, that’s not even close to what Calum actually wanted to know.

“Eavesdropping again, Bry?” It was a poor attempt to break the tension and all it earned him was a soft smile from her. Calum went on without thinking, his voice weak from trying so hard to keep himself together on his own. “Didn’t think you could hear over all the banging noises you were making.” Bryana was nice enough to give a small laugh but Calum knew everything he had said had fallen flat.

“You need to sleep Cal.” Ashton had adopted that authoritative voice that would one day scare his children into submission.

“I can’t sleep without him.” He was aware of the crack in his voice, the tears gathering in his eyes, and of Bryana’s hand slipping into his hair to card through it. But it all seemed to be happening to someone else.

Bryana continued running her hand through his hair, fluffing it up. He couldn't find it in him to care about how messed up it would look afterwards. The contact felt too nice to give up for the sake of his hair style. “I know of an amazing psychiatrist that you should try talking to. She could maybe prescribe some sleeping pills to help you catch some sleep.”

Calum tensed up under her touch. “I don't need some shrink to shove pills down my throat to get a good night's sleep. I need to move on from this on my own.” He sounded a little less exhausted with the twinge of anger added to his voice.

Ashton had been watching quietly from the couch. When he finally spoke it was with a look of fierce determination. “Michael’s piecing himself together slowly and you're still sitting on my couch to avoid an empty apartment. When you two see each other next, who do you think is going to be stronger?”

Calum didn't even hesitate with his answer, “Michael. He’s always been the stronger between us.”

“I think it’s time you come out on top Calum.” Ashton had squared his shoulders and was staring Calum down. “He’s not waiting for you to get better. If you want him back you need to beat him to the finish line and then _go_ _get_ _him_ _back_.”

“What if I don’t want him back?” Calum mumbled, breaking eye contact with Ashton in favor of staring down at his hands.

Bryana laughed quietly, smoothing his hair back from his forehead. “Don’t lie, sweetheart. It’s unbecoming.” Calum rolled his eyes at her, trying to turn away to hide his smile from her.

This actually seemed like an okay plan. If anything it was better than what he was doing now. Something was nagging at him though. Pulling insistently at his attention until he pinned it down. The smile slipped from his face slowly.

“What if he doesn't want me back?”

Bryana looked over to her husband, having one of those weird silent conversations with their eyes. When she looked back down at him there was a radiant smile on her face, filling him with a warmth that he hadn't really felt in a while.

“Then you still came out of this stronger than you were before. There’s no losing.”

They were right. He needed to stop sitting around feeling sorry for himself. He was never going to get Michael back with this mentality wrapped around his heart. It was going to be an upward struggle to remove it, though. The mentality was coiled so tightly, wrapped up in every thought and idea about marriage Calum had ever had. This wasn't going to be easy, but he wasn't as alone as he had thought he was.

“Okay. I’ll think about it.”

Bryana clapped happily, while Ashton got up and did a stupid dance. “We’ll be here for you every step of the way.” Both of them were smiling at him proudly, like their greatest accomplishment was getting him to admit he needed help. That thought filled him with warmth. Calum doesn't think he had ever met two people who were more loving than the couple sitting in front of him.

“You guys are going to make great parents one day.” He tried to ignore the surprised looks on their faces, choosing instead to drop his head to hide his blush from them.

 

——————————————

 

The apartment was always too quiet now.

Calum was used to being able to hear Michael in one of the other rooms, messing about on a guitar or cooking food or watching TV, doing _something_. Now, the TV played loud, even when no one was in the room to watch it, a stereo blared music, even when Calum was too preoccupied to listen, something was always running all in an effort to fill the deafening silence. Nothing was ever silent, but it was never enough.

Michael’s absence was too big to fill with pointless noise.

Two months had gone by since Calum last saw Michael*. Exactly 62 days since the other had last stopped by to pick up the last of his stuff and Calum had no idea where the other was anymore. He knew that he only had to ask someone they both knew but Michael so obviously didn’t want him to know where he had gone and Calum wasn't about to disrespect that.

The others didn’t agree with him, constantly trying to slip the information into conversation or just give him a paper with the address, but Calum really didn’t want to know. He wasn't ready to face Michael right now anyways, so what was the point of knowing where he was? He couldn't do anything with the information. Having it would only torture his mind with possibilities he wasn't yet ready to acknowledge.

These kinds of thoughts had been swirling through his head for almost two weeks now, ever since Bryana helped him set up the appointment with Dr. Martinez. He’d gone back and forth about whether to even go. This shrink might not even be able to help him. Who’s to say that Calum even really needed help? Sure, he was a bit messed up and he didn’t traditionally believe in marriage for himself but he wasn't completely out of touch. He knew who he was and what he wanted.

He was Calum Hood and he didn’t believe he had to marry Michael to be happy with him.

Calum was interrupted from his thoughts by his front door swinging open, his sister shuffling through carrying some large bags.

Calum sat up straighter, confusion laced through his tone, “Mali?”

“Hey little bro.” She huffed, “Mind helping me out over here?” The bags were straining and swinging low by her feet. Some looked to be at risk of falling apart. Calum sprang up from the couch to grab some of the bags.

“What are you doing here?” Calum took a few bags and set them on his kitchen table.

His sister brushed past him into the kitchen, “Figured you could use a nice home cooked meal. Lord knows you haven't cooked one for yourself.” Mali said all this as she set her own bags down on the counter, turning to get the rest of the bags from the table.

She shot Calum a look for the scoff that left him, a teasing frown on his face. “Alright _mom_.”

It was Mali’s turn to scoff. “ _Please_ , that woman doesn't have a mothering bone in her body. If I don’t do it, who will?”

Calum knew she wasn't wrong but it was still a sobering thought. The teasing glint left his eyes when she was no longer facing him, busy in the kitchen starting on whatever meal she had planned.

Now would probably be a good time to let her know about the appointment he had the next day, and really, the words were on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t get the courage to let them out until after dinner. Mali and him were at the sink, Mali washing and Calum drying the dishes of one of the more satisfying meals he had had in months, when his words finally took the leap. Granted they were the wrong words.

“I haven't been sleeping.” And where the fuck did that come from? He wasn't trying to worry his sister to death. From the worried look she leveled him with he wasn't doing a stand up job of that. Calum stumbled to recover. “I have something to tell you?” The questioning lilt to the end of that sentence did little to ease the frown lines gathering on her forehead.

“Calum?” Mali snapped her mouth shut on her next word when her little brother cut her off to speak again. She glanced down at the rag clutched tightly in his hand, her own hand reaching up in an aborted motion to ease the tension.

“Wait, no. That’s not what I wanted to say.” There was no reason his chest should be feeling so tight right now. It shouldn’t be this hard to let his older sister, who practically raised him, that he was going to get help. It’s not like she would be opposed to the notion, even if thinking about going to a shrink, for sleeping pills no less, still made Calum feel a little crazy. Rationally, he knew she wouldn't judge him in the slightest.

But this was still his sister, and all he wanted was to make her proud of him.

A warm hand landed on his shoulder lightly, like maybe she had hesitated slightly in her decision to touch him right now. “Hey, breathe.” Calum was grateful she had though. The comforting hand was grounding, allowing him to focus more on his physical self rather than the thoughts racing through his mind.

“I have an appointment tomorrow.”

If possible, the worry in his sister’s eyes grew. “With who? What doctor? Are you okay?” Mali rushed out, her hand tightening on his shoulder.

Calum had to look away. The overwhelming worry and love that the woman in front of him had over him was hard to swallow. This breakup had hurt so many more people than just him. “I’m fine. Well, I mean, physically I'm fine. Mentally not so much.” Mali nodded understandingly, the tension in her posture easing a bit. “I’m seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. Bryana suggested her.”

After a short silence, Calum looked up in worry. Maybe Mali was as disappointed as he was in himself. After all, he had never been able to solve one of his problems on his own. She was probably remembering all of the times she, or Michael, had had to piece him back together. And now he was going to rely on a shrink to do that for him.

Mali’s eyes were shining with tears, a smile that looked almost like pride spreading across her face. “I’m proud of you baby bro. This is going to be good for you.”

“Bryana and Ashton seem to think so…” Calum’s cheeks were burning with embarrassment. He trained his gaze on the floor, an unexacting victim to the hug his sister pulled him into. And if he cried a little, he wasn't about to admit to it. He was 26 for god’s sake. A hug from his sister wasn't enough to make him break down.

(The pride in her eyes might just have done it though.)

 

——————————————

— **Late** **July** —

 

Therapy was actually going very well for him. It was easier for him to make it through his days. Trips to Ashton’s house were far less frequent than they had been before. The quiet of his apartment less of a looming presence. He had been prescribed sleeping pills that were a bit of a godsend, and the nights of sleep he got because of them made him a little less like the walking dead.

Everything wasn't perfect though. Bad days still hit him more frequently than he would like and Michael was still pretty much a constant thought on his mind. However, the thought of his ex had transformed from a dead weight dealer to a motivational speaker. He was going to get better, and he was going to get Michael back.

There was still so much to do but every second was worth it at this point. Calum waited anxiously for the day the good days outnumbered the bad.

Today was a bad day.

Calum was shaking. The paper on the floor in front of him a punch to the chest, forcing the air out of his lungs before falling to the ground. It settled on the floor gracefully, like it had done its job, and Calum supposes it had because he really couldn't breathe.

It had looked like any regular old envelope, the beautiful cursive writing on the front a little bit unusual but definitely exciting looking, the message inside was anything but exciting. Which was maybe a terrible thing to say because the news really should have been exciting but he couldn't breathe. A wedding invitation sat, face up and mocking, on the floor in front of him. Michael’s name standing out in stark contrast to the white paper beneath it.

His cousin Becca was getting married in November and now his whole family was going to know about the break up. There was no avoiding the truth now.

The worst part was that Calum couldn't even lie and say Michael had been too busy to show up, because that would benefit no one. It was not Becca’s fault that she sent his invite here. She couldn't have known that Michael wouldn't even be here to receive it. The other man had been invited as well so Calum had to somehow inform him of the occasion, no matter how much the idea of talking to Michael so soon made Calum’s stomach churn.

Becca knew Michael personally from past family functions, and she liked Michael a great deal. Not passing the invitation along would be very rude of Calum, which meant that he was going have to call up his ex and tell him about it. He fiddled with the phone in his hand, opening and closing pointless apps before he set it down on the counter and ran his hands through his hair.

The feeling in his chest tightened. _A_ _wedding_. Not only that but little Becca’s wedding, so he was obligated to go even if just the idea made him want to throw up right now. She had to be around 20 now, and already on the long road to marriage and commitment. Something he, at 26, couldn't even comprehend with someone he had been with for over a decade.

He wondered at her fiancé. Was he older, younger, wealthy? How long had they been dating? Did he have a steady job? Had they been friends before they started dating?

If this was what Becca wanted to do with her life then she was welcome to it. Just because it still wasn't something that Calum could see himself doing didn’t mean she was wrong to want it. It felt wrong to think about her putting the rest of her life in this man’s hand though, and so young too.

His phone seemed to grow heavier by the second, dragging his attention to it reluctantly.

 _Just_ _pick_ _it_ _up_ _and_ _call_ _him_.

  
Four months since the break-up. Four months since they had talked to each other properly. Four months and he was just supposed to pick up the phone and invite him to a wedding.

Calum didn’t miss the irony of the situation.

This wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation. Of course, Calum could have no idea of the actual direction of the future conversation but he imagined it would be like a slap in the face. No contact of any sort and then all of a sudden “Hey, what’s up? We haven’t talked in awhile, and I know I broke your heart, but Becca’s getting married and you're invited. Ironic right? Hope you can make it.”

Nothing about this situation seemed to settle right with him. Calum was stuck between calling Michael and telling him over the phone, which didn’t feel right at all. He just knew he wasn't going to be able to actually get the words out. It would be like one of those movie scenes, dial and then hang up before they picked up. Texting him the info was completely out of the question. Meeting him somewhere just seemed like rushing. He wasn't ready to see Michael yet, wasn't ready to hear the others voice, wasn't even ready to text the other. The chicken in him was running crazy.

He didn’t have many options here and all of them pretty much sucked ass.

After a few minutes of staring at his phone and trying to organize his racing thoughts, he picked up the phone and dialed.

Ashton picked up after a few rings. “Hey, Calum. What’s up?”

Calum took a deep breath, focusing on the sound of Ashton’s voice floating through the speaker. “Becca’s wedding invitation came in the mail.”

“Oh? I didn’t even know Becca had met someone.”

“It was addressed to Michael too.” And maybe Ashton caught on to his tone, which Calum himself couldn't describe, or maybe he just knew what that would mean to Calum. He felt numb right now, like nothing mattered at all, and maybe nothing did anymore. Michael left him and Becca was getting married.

The silence stretched on from both sides before Ash broke it. With a short sigh and a “Oh, Cal.” he knew all he needed to know about how this conversation was going to play out. Calum decided to beat his friend to the punch before he had to sit through a long lecture.

“I know I need to tell him, Ash, I just don’t know how.”  

“In person.” Ashton’s answer was quick, like there was no other option to even consider. There was only one way, even if that way was the one Calum was dreading the most.

“I don't think I’m ready for that yet.” Calum tried so hard to keep the shake out of his voice. He knew Ashton would take this route, and maybe he called so that he could be convinced to take it too. But it seemed so daunting right now.

He wanted to blame the other for the lack of air in his chest but that wasn't fair. Calum couldn't blame him for jumping the gun so quickly. He had been seeing his psychiatrist for a while now.

“Maybe talk to Dr. Martinez about it?” Ashton sounded a lot less sure of himself now. “I’m not really sure what to do about this either Cal.”

Calum sighed, already knowing that his next sentence was not going to be received with warmth, “I was really hoping that maybe you would tell him for me.” His eyes fell shut near the end of his sentence. The silence that met his favor wasn't even broken by his own breathing.

“I really think that this is something you should tell him yourself.”

“I know… It was worth a try. I’ll talk to Dr. Martinez when I see her again. Thanks anyways.”

They stayed on the phone for a little while after that, talking about anything and everything. When they finally hung up it was 6 p.m. and there was dinner to be made, and laundry to be done, and messes to be cleaned up, and maybe he never got around to calling up Michael. But there was always tomorrow.

 

——————————————

— **July** —

 

Calum never really did get around to calling Michael. Three weeks had passed of punching in the number and then walking away, typing out the text and deleting it, jumping every time his phone made a noise. He was more of a mess over the prospect of calling his ex than he really should have been but Dr. Martinez assured him that this was normal. She even tried to have him call during one of their sessions.

In theory, this should have been really easy. This was no time for theories though. Right now was the time for coffee, and then maybe… _maybe_ , he’d call Michael. He’d be more relaxed with a hot coffee in hand and his butt planted firmly in a comfortable chair.

The bell over the door jingled as he pushed the door open, and one of the employees called out a greeting. This specific coffee house was one of his favorites. There was wood flooring and warm tones on the walls that were always able to calm him. Trinkets and artwork were scattered among the couches and chairs that were set up throughout the room. The usual patrons were scattered about the room, mostly college students and elderly people frequented the quaint little shop.

Two employees were working behind the counter, chatting amicably with the customers as they mixed drinks. Calum let out a breath he felt like he had been holding all day, the tension leaving his body as he let the calm atmosphere wash over him. He found his place in line and then let his eyes wander the room. Something new was placed in the shop every time he came here, and while to most it might look a little cluttered, to him it was beautiful.

He froze when his gaze landed on the man sitting in the corner, breath catching in his throat. Michael, who had already been following Calum with his eyes, tilted a hesitant smile and awkward wave his way.

The door was not even 10 steps away. He should definitely turn on his heel and march right out of there. He glanced back at the door, a deep breath in and out…

“What can I get you, sir?”  The chirpy voice of one of the baristas stopped him from making the full turn towards the door. He didn’t need to leave right this moment, but he also didn’t need to stay once he got his coffee. So logically, even though Michael was sitting across the room, Calum should order his coffee, ignore his ex, and then leave. He didn’t have to not have coffee just because Michael was already here. His eyes slid over to the other side of the room, taking in the way Michael was nibbling at his thumb, eyes trained on his feet.

Fine, this was fine. Easy-peasy. He could totally play this game. Let the ignoring begin.

“Sir?”

Calum startled, his eyes snapping back to the girl behind the counter. “What?”

“Can I get you anything?” He could hear the patience draining from her voice, a blush rushing across his face.

“Large caramel mocha, please.” He pretended not to notice the weird look she gave him, choosing instead to pull out his wallet. He would ignore everything around him if it meant he would be okay later.

She fiddled with the sharpie in her pocket, pulling it out as she asked, “Name?”

“Calum.”

He paid and then moved to the side, back to his ex so he wouldn't give in to the insane urge to just stare at the other creepily. Watching the barista make his coffee was much more productive. Calum focused on his breathing, trying desperately to forget about the feeling of unrelenting eyes on his back. He fiddled with the condiments as he waited, looking for the easiest way to keep himself busy at the moment.

“Large caramel mocha for Calum?”

Calum sighed in relief, grabbing his coffee and turning on his heel to leave. He tried his hardest to just slide right by Michael but his eyes caught on the other like a bug in a spider web. His world began to crumble around him with a simple wave of the others hand.

Now the problem wasn't who was going to win the ignoring game, which _obviously_ neither of them had done very well at. No, now the problem was that Calum was not strong enough to say no, to just walk out that door. That didn’t mean he felt strong enough to talk to the other either though. Calum stared for about a minute, his eyes darting from the door to Michael a few times. This was his chance to tell Michael about the wedding without having the time to really properly freak out before contacting him. He could just go over there and get it over with. So he made his way over to Michael’s corner, hands shaking and mind racing with possible scenarios.

Michael stood as he got near, holding his arms open for a hug at the same time Calum stuck his hand out to shake hands. There was a pause in the air, like something huge was holding its breath, lying in wait to knock everything over. Michael dropped his arms, a sad frown crossing his face, “Hi.”

Calum glanced away from Michael’s eyes, pain shooting through his chest as he slowly released the breath he himself had been holding. It took him a second to remember that he still had his hand extended. Something like a dead weight took over all the joints in his body. A silence stretched between them, Michael was waiting for a response that was stuck like a rock in Calum’s throat.

“Hello.” The silence between them swelled, threatening to burst in their faces, and yeah Calum would really like to yell at Michael (for no particular reason besides him leaving) but they were in a public place and that would be inappropriate. “How-“ He cleared his throat, trying again, “How have you been?”

Calum found that he didn’t particularly care right now. He just wanted to be anywhere but here. The sooner this conversation was over the better.

“I’m doing fine.” Michael was fiddling with his hands, picking at the skin around his right thumb. He was fine though, Calum could clearly see that. “What about you?”

Dr. Martinez had been telling him he shouldn’t lie about his feelings to the people he cared about anymore, and it was good advice but he wasn't quite sure that it applied here. “I’m alright.” That wasn't even actually a lie. Calum was alright, usually… right now, not so much, but day to day he was doing a lot better.

“That’s… good?” The lilt at the end of the others sentence made it seem like a question. Was it good that they both seemed to be okay? Was it really good that they were lying to each other?

Michael had no right to know that Calum needed pills to sleep at night, he had no right to know that Calum hadn't wanted to go on for the longest time, he had no right to know that Calum was not okay.

That being said, Calum should probably act like he was okay then. This whole not meeting eyes, or even looking straight at him thing was not the actions of someone who was okay. Those were decidedly actions of someone who was very, very not okay.

He forced himself to look up, locking eyes with the other. “Is it? Do you want me to be okay without you?” Calum was a bit surprised at the strength with which he had delivered those questions. And so, it seems, was Michael.

Calum watches the others mouth open and close in surprise, a small worm of satisfaction filling his heart.

“I want you to be happy, Calum.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have left then.”

This was apparently the wrong thing to say. Michael’s face grew red and when he next opened his mouth he was close to yelling. “Why? So, I could spend the rest of my life in a relationship that was going absolutely nowhere?”

“Wha- We were fi-“ Calum gaped at the man in front of him.

“We were not fine. _I_ wasn't fine.” Michael lowered his voice, glancing around at the people who were eyeing them warily.

“Because I couldn’t marry you.”

Calum thinks that saying that wasn't worth the hurt that flashed across Michael’s face. Especially because it wasn't even entirely true anymore.

“I’m not doing this right now.”

“Right. We’ll have plenty of time later.” Calum was proud of the sarcasm dripping off his tongue. Because, _no_ , they were not going to talk about this later. They were probably not going to talk at all. And he knew Michael knew that.

Michael sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. “Calum.” Michael sounded more exhausted than Calum had ever heard him. He had done that. He had done this to them.

They were silent after that. Calum, suitably reprimanded, took to looking around the room. “Becca’s getting married in November.”

A confused expression settled on the others brow. “Okay?”

“You’re invited.”

“As your plus one?”

“No. Just as you, Michael. You can bring your own plus one. I’ll text you the details later.” Calum started making his way towards the door, moving to brush past Michael but he was stopped by a hand gripping his wrist. Calum, startled at the touch, yanking his hand away and spilling a bit of his forgotten coffee in the process. “What.” He snapped.

Michael seemed to hesitate. Looking between Calum’s face and his own ravaged thumbs. “I’m meeting someone here later.”

The knife in Calum’s chest plunged deeper, forcing a pained breath past his lips. This was not something he wanted to know. His life would be much better if he could continue believing that Michael was dealing with this on his own as well. He let out a choked, “Okay.” praying that this is where Michael stopped talking.

If only he could be so lucky.

“So I’ll probably _have_ a plus one.” Michael paused again, seeming to gather his thoughts beneath him. “Will you?” It didn’t sound like Michael was actually asking. That question that hung heavy in the air between them sounded like an accusation, an inquiry into a life that Michael was no longer privy to.

Calum wrenched away from Michael before the other could see the tears gathering in his eyes. Fuck him, fuck that coffee shop, and fuck fate straight up the ass.

If Michael wanted to move on then by all means! Go right on ahead. Calum stormed through the door and stepped out onto the street, feet seemingly flying over the pavement as he raced to get away from his new reality.

He didn’t really mean to make such a scene leaving, and he supposes Michael got what he wanted then, a reaction or something along that line. Calum couldn't be bothered to care at this point. He just wanted to get away. This had turned into one of the worst days.

 

——————————————

— **August** —

 

Calum glanced up from the food in front of him, taking in the apartment around him. Mali sat across from him, pushing her food around and humming between bites to fill the silence that had settled between them from the moment they sat down. He hadn't minded at first, enjoying his sisters song choice, but then the memories started flooding back. Michael swaying in the kitchen, humming as he stirred their dinner. Michael sitting on the couch, feet propped on the coffee table while he cursed at his video games. Michael singing at full volume in the shower.

Michael, who was still everywhere no matter how hard Calum tried to erase him.

Animist of the problem stemmed from the fact that they had bought this house together. The house was them, so it didn’t work when only half of them were living in it.

“I need to sell this place.” His voice was soft, almost like he hadn’t really meant to say anything. Calum was still staring around the room when he said this, only looking back at his sister when her silverware clattered out of her hand. There was a stronger quality to his voice when he spoke next. “I can’t be here anymore.”

Mali hesitated for a second, looking at him with cautious eyes. “I don't understand. You love this place.”

“It is a really nice apartment and I did love it…” Calum paused, glancing down at his hands with a deep breath. “I’m not sure I really loved the place or who I was sharing it with though.”

“Oh.” It was more like a sigh, and Calum continued to stare hard at his fingers. He jumped slightly when his sister’s hand came to rest over the top of his. “Alright. I can call Shane. He’ll get this house on the market and sold in no time.” Mali was already sliding her phone out of her pocket with her other hand, pulling up Shane’s contact on her phone.

Calum’s eyes widened, his hand moving to grab her wrist. “Wait, hold on.” He knew he sounded a bit panicked but he wasn't even really sold on the idea yet, plus he had nowhere to move _to_. “I have to find somewhere else to live first!”

Mali laughed quietly while gently removing her wrist from his grasp. “Don’t be silly, little bro. You’ll come live with me for the time being.” Calum was about to protest but Mali held a finger up to stop him. “You’re not allowed to argue with me. I miss you and I hate knowing you aren't feeding yourself correctly unless I come around to do it. So until you find a place, you're stuck with me.”

Calum grinned as Mali raised the phone to her ear. It was decided then. Calum was going to sell their apartment. This was the last physical tie he had to Michael, and it would be gone soon. He couldn't really find it in him to feel too strongly about this decision. Sure, he was a little sad, but he couldn't help but think that this would be better for him in the long run.

Nothing was keeping him here except the memory of a man who walked away. He was done living with that ghost.

 

——————————————

— **November** —

 

The apartment had easily sold for top price in late August, but Calum was still living with Mali when Becca’s wedding date rolled around. He hadn't tried very hard to find somewhere new and his sister wasn't really pushing him to move out yet.

Most of his stuff had ended up in storage, which was completely fine with him because most of it reminded him of Michael anyway. Dr. Martinez thought this whole endeavor was a brilliant idea. The selling of the apartment, the moving of all Michael’s leftover things to storage, and most importantly the moving on from that chapter of his life in general.

Plus, now Calum had Mali to take care of him. He was eating better and sleeping better and functioning as a normal fucking human being now. All in all it was great. Everything was great.

Until the day of the wedding.

Calum woke up in a panic that morning, nightmares wracking his dreams throughout the night, a cold sweat chilling him to the bone. After a warm shower, in which he almost _died_ by slipping, he spilled some milk, and by some he means he dropped the entire carton on the floor. Mali had entered the kitchen to see him just staring at the rivulets of milk running through her tile cracks.

“Oh, Calum.” She disappeared again to grab some towels but Calum still hadn't looked up. When she returned, she made him take one and they started cleaning up together. Her brother was still in a complete daze though. “Hey, today’s going to be okay. It’s going to be so crowded you probably won’t even see him.”

Calum blinked a few times. hands absently moving to collect all the milk. He cleared his throat, watching the milk swirl away from him like a galaxy. “I’m nervous Mal. Everyone is going to know now. They’re all going to know that I royally screwed up and lost the one great thing in my life.”

“Why would they think it was _you_ who screwed up?” Mali had stopped mopping up the liquid to stare Calum down.

He shrugged as his answer, avoiding his sister’s eyes like the plague.

“Today is going to be fine Cal. Just try to enjoy it as much as you can. Becca’s only getting married once.”

Calum couldn't help the disbelieving snort following her words. He would try to enjoy himself though. Becca deserved as much.

 

——————————————

 

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, but long, and now the wedding party was making its way to the reception hall. Calum and Mali were lagging behind, letting everybody pass them as they followed along slowly.

“That was beautiful.” Mali sighed, gazing after Becca wistfully.

Calum grinned as he bumped his shoulder into his sister’s playfully. “They do seem very happy.”

Mali and Calum found themselves both staring after the wedding party again. He wasn’t entirely sure what was running through his sister’s head but he assumed it was along the same lines of what he was thinking.

 _Were_ _his_ _parents_ _this_ _happy_ _on_ _their_ _wedding_ _day?_

He tore his eyes away, pivoting on the heel of his foot to walk in the opposite direction. He was sure he had seen a bathroom around the corner when they first walked in.

“Where are you going?”

Calum turned back to his sister with a small smile, pointing in the direction he had been walking. “Pretty sure I saw a bathroom around here somewhere.”

“Hold on.” Mali beckoned him back and when he stopped in front of her, she reached up to straighten his tie before pulling him into a tight hug. “I love you.”

Calum whispered it back before she released him, ushering him off with a small smile. He watched her follow after the crowd before he turned again to find the bathroom.

 

——————————————

 

Calum wasn't quite sure how he ended up where he was. He had found the bathroom pretty easily, doing his business and washing his hands at the sink when Michael entered. They made eye contact through the mirror. Calum had thought they were going to engage in some awkward conversation but before he could even open his mouth to say hi, he was being turned around and pressed up against the sink by a familiar set of lips and desperate hands.  

Michael was sucking on Cal’s bottom lip, trying to get Calum to let him in like his life depended on it. Calum was in a little bit of a daze though. He felt a bit like he was drowning in the other, frantic kisses and hands being pressed into him. Confusion laced his arousal, making for a weird mix of emotion that had Calum half hard but unsure if he actually wanted this.

“Cal.” Michael whispered, pressing soft kisses into his throat. He stopped everything when the other didn’t respond and Calum unwittingly let out a protesting noise as Michael pulled back a little. “Calum.”

“What?” Calum’s answer left him as a groan, his hips rolling up into the air in search of some friction. Confusion still laced his thoughts but his arousal was definitely starting to win out.

Michael pressed another kiss to his lips, “I’ve missed you.”

And alright, Calum wasn't really sure how he was supposed to answer that, so he said nothing. Just pulled Michael in for another kiss, opening his mouth to let Michael in this time. It felt almost like nothing had changed, like this hadn't been missing from their lives for the past 8 months.

Michael pulled away and sank down to his knees, pushing Calum’s hips into the edge of the sink. Calum almost choked at the sight, something he hadn't been privy to for way too long. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m going to suck you off.” Michael wasted no time pulling Calum’s dress pants down after that. Calum hesitantly put his hands in Michael’s hair.

Michael was going to do this and Calum was just going to enjoy it. He wasn't going to think about what this meant, or the repercussions it would have on his mentality, or anything of the sort. He was going to get a blow job from his ex and they could talk afterward.

Except they definitely didn’t talk afterward. Michael pulled all his best moves and Calum came quickly (because he hadn't had action since March, okay, and Michael was good with his mouth) and then he got up and left before Calum had even blinked his eyes open. In fact, the only reason Calum’s eyes flickered open was because he heard the bathroom door swinging closed, Michael’s names on the tip of his tongue.

The other was long gone though. Leaving Calum with his dick out and his heart in his throat. Questions began to race through his mind. _What just happened? What did it mean? Why did Michael leave so quickly? What had he been thinking, allowing Michael to do that?_

Calum was left with no answers to console him as tears gathered at the corner of his eyes. Anger started to override his confusion. Who the fuck did Michael think he was just walking into a bathroom and sucking his ex off. And then just leaving right after! Calum angrily tucked his dick away before striding off towards the reception hall. Michael had no right and he was about to get a piece of Calum’s right mind.

Right after Calum found the bastard. Becca and her new husband knew way too many people if the huge reception hall was this crowded. He was searching through the tables when his sister caught up to him.

“Hey, have you seen-“ He’s not entirely sure how his sister knew who he was going to ask about but she cut him off with the name he was looking for.

“Michael? Yeah, he's over there.” Calum was already turning away when his sister caught his arm. “I don't think you should go over there.”

“Why not?” Mali looked away from him, pressing her lips together in a thin line. Calum pulled his arm from her grasp, starting in the direction she had originally pointed to.

“Calum!”

He ignored his sister as she called after him, searching the crowd angrily. The crowd around him started thinning out as he got towards the other side of the room, but he was still pushing through a crap ton of people. His eyes finally landed on who he was looking for, and the floor pretty much fell out from underneath him.

There Michael was, holding hands with a handsome dirty blonde with a lip ring. He almost missed them if he's being honest. He wasn't expecting Michael to be here with someone else.

Because Michael was _here_ with someone else. The man who had been on his knees for Calum not 10 minutes ago was _here with someone else._ The two were holding hands and the tall blonde kept shooting Michael looks that screamed _fond_ from all the way over here.

He felt like something huge was sitting on him, obstructing his airways and crushing him into the floor boards. He stumbled under the weight, grabbing onto a chair for support.

When he looked back up, their lips were just parting from a kiss. Michael met his eyes over the blondes shoulder. Calum could see the regret shining in them from where he was standing, people between them and another man hanging onto his side.

 

——————————————

 **What can I do? What can I say?**  
**After all, I pushed you away.**  
**If you ever forgive me now,**  
**it would be too soon.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this! 
> 
> [Come say hi to me!!](http://wynw00d.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on [tumblr!](wynw00d.tumblr.com)


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